chapter 377

Dear dairy, windy


Recently, something happened.
And I feel that it affected all of us. Or maybe, it is only me.
It is just a minor issue, but perhaps, I am harping on it and refuse to let go.

After that day, I headed home.
I felt lousy and just cried.
I feel lousy as compared to them. Inferiority sinks in.
Well, I guess it will always be there.

"Hey xxxxxxxxx, I miss you"
"Hey xxxxxxxxx, how's your week?"
"Hey xxxxxxxxx, what are you doing?"
All these, seemed to be impossible at the moment.
All conversations had to be formal and serious and tensed.
Why? Why? Why?

Depressed.
Something is missing.

Why asked me what happened?
I did told you all before, you all didn't bother to listen.
Why should I repeat myself over again? It will be pointless.
Do you all even care? Ask yourself. We all need to do some reflections.

When I needed all of you badly.
I doubt you all will even know. Because we are different after all.
When I need a pair of listening ears. Who do I look for? Who?
You? You? Or you?

Someone, tell me "It is okay. Everything will be fine"
Will you?


Yours truly,
Me

Chapter 376

Dear Dairy, hazy


Sometimes, ...
It just sucks.

Inferiority still sinks in somehow or rather.
I tried to play deaf, oh, I just could not.

Well, from now, I do not want to know anything.
Because, it does not benefit me in anyway.

Humans do not realise what is wrong, even though they asked why.
Because humans are selfish in nature as 'Id' is the main culprit in personality.
Then 'Superego' will try to pull human nature to the right path, however, it is a tough struggle.
Alas, 'Ego' will be the one making the decision, be it right or wrong.
So, at the end of the day, humans will only realise if the decision they chose hit them real hard. By feeling extremely sastified (pleasure) or misery & pain (guilt).


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 375, i'm back.

Dear Dairy, Fine

Hello. I am back.

I tried blogging just now, with a massive amount of photographs.
However, it failed. Sucker, blogger.

Nevermind, I shall only blog with a few then.
Lemme start, ...


18th September 2010

I commissioned as an Officer of
St. John Ambulance Brigade Singapore.

Well, it is a start of a new beginning now,
in this organisation.
My corps, EVSJAB.

Corps SO G (VI) Kenneth Chia Jin LongFlower 4s
We have made it together! :)
Yanteen Iris Huiting
Then few days back, I went recce at Mac Ritchie Reservoir Park.
Together with Iris, Huiting & Xingjuan.
Then yesterday, sent Dad off at the airport.
See you soon in 1 year's time.

Okay, I am done.
Tomorrow, I am back to school again!

Mug Mug Mug.
Here I come!

Yours truly,
Me

Chapter 374

Dear dairy, Rainy


Hello. Holidays are here. What to do? Nothing.
Iris and Xinyi are away in Phuket now. Enjoying the sun, beach and exotic fun.

I was offered to go on a short trip, by Dad.
If I were to say yes the other time, I am already out of Singapore by now or most prob next week. Zzz, yet, I rejected the offer. Sigh, so I am stuck here. Facing the lappy screen almost every night. What a loser.

2 days ago, I was working for an event banquet. As a waiter, sucky. End of story.

Then I realise, this holiday is really quiet.
I don't know, I sense something is not right. Something is wrong somewhere.


Well, fuck life for now. Till then.



Yours truly,
Me

chapter 373, with love.

Hello, just to share...


The 4 flowers of EVSJAB are going to be commission on...
Saturday, 18th September 2010!


More on facebook.com
Haha! Keep a look out!

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 372, random thoughts.

Dear Dairy, rainy.


Hello, I am back.
Recently, I have been through and understood a lot.
I feel. Empathy.

Life is never a smooth journey.
Face it positively, I am never alone.

Side track, I think I am going to sign bond with CGH.
With the allowances, I can save it to further my studies.
But, should I?

Thank you:
Iris
Huiting
Yanteen
Angela
Xing Juan
Xueshen
Xinyi
Damian

Many many more, ...
And of course, you.


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 371

Dear Dairy, Fine


Life is good. Not so good.
Well, attachment still going on. Loving Nursing, I learn and feel for everything I do.


Sadly, it is not my top priority now. Used to be.

"Hey, can learn to prioritize your things a not?"
I cannot be bothered by it anymore, I do what I want, I like and I am good in.
I do not want to do something just because I am doing for the sake of doing it.
Yet, because of responsibility. I am not able to go. Or maybe, it is not the right time to leave.
So many things on hand, so much comments from people. What is holding me back? Someone, tell me.

Friendship. Instructorship. Passion. Memories.


Secondly, I just have to smile. Sometimes, I just don't fit in.
Just because I am at a totally different environment. So they will not understand.
Well, I feel sad. No matter what, they will not understand, I will not want them to understand either. Nothing will be changed.


I am left with 1yr plus before graduation. Persevere.


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 369

Dear Dairy, rainy


天邊的那朵雲　要去那裏流浪
如果有答案　要記得跟我講
誰的愛　放在假日的市場
討價還價　拍賣著他的重量

穿著白色西裝的紫烏鴉
站在那裏不停的鼓掌
就要下雨　你的自尊要逃向何方
是男是女　隨便你要怎麼想

只為他　穿過一次的黑裙子　深深鎖在記憶的牆
寫好的遺言　也要用力唱　祭拜我們為了愛的瘋狂

只為他　穿過一次的黑裙子　還在風中盪
黑指甲　短頭髮　有些話不用講
為愛　我就是這樣


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 368

Dear Dairy, Rainy


Life at attachment will only be good. If, you have efficient and good teammates.
Sadly to say, I am teamed with incompetence asses. Incompetence.

I rather to have a small team of 4 to a team of 8.
Pure stupid. Nursing is not your cup of tea just go. You do not have to put up with all these shits.

I can't stand them slacking in the tea room, strolling from place to place, whining about how tired they are (As if we are not), sitting on patients' bed and chair, never punctual, ect ect ect.

Conclusion, these people are categorize under: Ill discipline.

Quality over Quantity

___


You.

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 368

Dear Dairy, Rainy


Hi all, I am back to this journal for a while. I have some time to spare here.
Recently, school ended. Now, I am at CGH, for my attachment phase, sem 1.1

I start to love nursing more. I am expose to many different situations in the ward.
Anyway, air-conditioned ward is the best! Lovin' it!

Go, go, go.

___

你 给的幸福在我心中自由走动

抚平我每一个伤口

关于你的一切我想要比谁都懂

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 367

Dear Dairy, rain

North Cape.

The Midnight Sun.

See you, North Cape.

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 365

Dear Dairy, fine

Wednesday.


A couple of hour of pampering.
A pair of jeans.
A pair of shoes.
A day alone. It went out just fine.



Love like there is no tomorrow.
Caught you looking, my friend whispered to me.
I giggled. It was a memory.

Are we still talking? Hello, how is your day?



Yours truly,
Me

chapter 364

Dear Dairy, sunny

Credits: Maydereth


I am only happy when it rains.

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 363

Dear dairy, rainy


Exhausted week. I need ample of rest.
Well, look forward. Stay positive.


In life, this particular feeling come and reside inside me for a period of time.
And I am blind by this feeling. Knowing that, it is not supposed to be this way.
Thinking too much, am I? Or it is because I allow myself to be deceived by it.


You. Brought me happiness.
But it will only be a mirage.



Yours truly,
Me

chapter 362

Dear dairy, fine


Finally, I am home. Home.
Feeling very worn out and exhausted. But it was all worthwhile.

Seeing different types of people with different characters.
This is life.


Well, do not judge me.
You do not know me. Do not even look at me if you have doubts of me.
Talk to me, if you have any questions. I am not a specimen.
Learn to accept and you will realise, I am just like you.

Whatever that lies ahead. I will still carry on.



Yours truly,
Me

chapter 361

Dear Dairy, Sunny


Hi people. I am blogging.

Finally, I am done with end of semester 1.1 exam.
I am not trying to boast. But I have confidence I am able to score A for both Nursing Studies and Biological Science. And further more, I am a bit more hardworking as compared to some of my classmates. Results will be everything, time will show.

I am happy that term break is here.

1. I do not have to walk to school and back home everyday. 20 god damn minutes for 1 journey. Sweating like a pig by the time i reached school.
   
2. I do not have to crawl out of bed at 6.30am everyday single fucking day. Snooze the alarm for a gazillion times.
   
3. I do not have torture myself to memorise what is phagocytocis, purpose of uro sheath, Ossification, pulmonary and systemic circulation, nursing considerations/actions/ responsibilities ect ect ect! FML.
   
4. I do not have to face irritating people that I seriously abhor, anyone?
5. I do not have to talk or at least communicate with people that I can barely understand a word.
   
6. I do not have to divert my attention to attention seeking fags that interrupt tutorials.
7. I do not have to spend 2hrs in LLA class. Seriously, the Lecture and this module is not well liked. 2 hrs nap time for me.
   
8. I do not need to try my best by staying awake in mass lectures. A torture for me and lectures will be on a look out for these people.
9. I do not need to squeeze inside a lift with people of different sizes. Worst, some of them have weird body odour, to hell with that.
10. I do not need to scout for seats in the cafe because I only have 1 hour of break. And seriously, 300 over students having break at the same time? 300 students = 150 seats available. For references purpose only.

There is still more but... Oh, well.

I will miss school as when school starts, I am having clinical attachment at the Hospital. For 10 weeks. 10 weeks.

I will miss school because,

1. I will not be able to queue and eat Japanese food everyday. By the way, I eat Japanese food EVERY SINGLE DAY (8 hardcore weeks), except some "special occasions".
2. I am not able to criticise, being sarcastic to people like 'Pulmonary valve, the M', the miniature one, Princess Fiona ect. I will definitely miss it. I swear.
3. I will miss some of my classmates which made a slight impact of my time spent in school: Krishnan, Gwenrina, "Geradon" (Even though she is very irritating and most importantly, retarded in a humorous way), Afro & Jas, Hong & Zakiah ect. Okay, my lecturers as well.
   
4. I miss spicy ramen, tofu and blueberry chocolate cake.
5. I miss dashing out of school when time is up for me to go home! Weee!

Nothing is more meaningful that had ever happened in Semester 1.1!
See you guys in September. Enjoy your clinical attachment. I don't really care about the minority. Ha. Ha.

The list can still go on. I do not write to please you.
Any comments, onto the paper and into the thrash.
Thank you.


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 360

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Fuck My Life.

chapter 359

Dear Dairy, fine

Zzz. Am I forgotten?
I lost myself.

When I am trying so hard to catch up,
You all don't even bother to say "Hi."

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 358

Dear Dairy, fine.


Hello there dairy. I have started schooling almost a month.
I survived through 3 weeks and 4 days. 23 more months left to graduation.

Studying Nursing is not so easy as you think.
Being a nurse is far more complex of what you can ever imagine.
But it is my passion. P A S S I O N.
Biology = killer = stress = Die die must pass = A

My classmates. . .
Irritants. Like 'Gloria'
Friendly.
Jokers.
Gossipers.
Approachable.
Hypocrites.
2 years with people like them. But still, I managed to be with the better ones though.

Going to school and leaving school is TWO different thing.
It is so different that I cannot adapt to the environment. Like a walking zombie in nursing uniform. I can finally breathe when I am outside of school. My heart can finally beat at a normal rate. Further more, I am drained totally. Physically and mentally. Tests and exams are on their way = FML.

Everyday, I am alone. I do not enjoy school unlike in the past.
Where friends around me are awesomezxzxzx asses.
Close ones are not with me. At least, they are together. They have accompany unlike me.
Boo.

Period.

___

Lastly, I miss Bravo'07

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 357, BRAVO'07 POP

Dear Dairy, rainy.

17th April 2010, Saturday.

A memorable day for me.
A new beginning for them
A day where a chapter ends and a start of a new beginning.

Year 2007, they were young and innocent.
Year 2008, they were training through hardship.
Year 2009, they were ready for challenges.
Year 2010, they are ready to set sail for a new horizon.

My Pride.
BRAVO'07
Xiang Yew, Justin, Jonasson, Yong Jun
Rong Chang, Guo Wang, Jun Hao, Hiu Hang
Sunita, Shi Hui, Sze Hui, Ruyi
Vicky, Jun Jie

Informal shot :)

"BRAVO!"
My tears, just came rolling down my cheeks.
"THANK YOU INSTRUCTORS!"
I burst out in tears for the second time.

Every word felt so warm.
4 years of training these young men and women.
My effort paid off.
And I gained much more from it.

As your Asst. Platoon Commander, I want to say is:
When you all are lost, just come back.
I am always here, not going anywhere.
Take care, Brave Souls. Best wishes.
with love.

Lastly, they are the one.
AA1'10

My tears came falling down.
Misses.

Yours truly,
Me

chapter 356

Dear Dairy, Cloudy,


I am back. I am back. I am back.
Stupid.

After leaving that little corner of mine, I managed to see some light coming in from that little window. A little breeze. A little smile. But, that little corner I will return back.

When I was home the whole week. 20% smiling to the world. 80% facing walls.
I got depressed and emo.

Today, I attended my campus's orientation exercise. I feel nothing out of it.
And my class, hardly know my existence. 5% Chinese and others, 10% Indian, 85% Malays.


I am sad.

___

Tomorrow, is the 10th of April.
I dread of going to SJAB. Because tomorrow is the 10th.

One week left. Before, I start to cry on that day.
Knowing that I should not be crying. Should be smiling instead.
Saying, "See you all, again."

& I miss you.



Yours truly,
Me

chapter 355

Dear dairy, Rainy


I've not been sleeping, eating, behaving well.
Just feeling very lethargic. I am sad.

Knowing that, that day will soon to come.
Knowing that, things will change.
Knowing that, ... Knowing that, ...

I cannot think properly.
Seeing your happy faces, I am contented.
Knowing that, tears always filled my eyes.


I just want to cry so much.
& I need to stay strong.



Yours Truly,
Me

chapter 354

Dear Dairy, Sunny

28 March 2010,

Today, I spent my day out at the city. It was well spent.
Celebrated Xueling's 18th Birthday. We caught a movie, dined in a comfy restaurant and spent time at a cafe talking. Drowned in laughter today. Me likes.

Once again, Happy 18th Birthday Xueling!

___

I had a terrible night yesterday. The headache was mild but uncomfortable.
A feeling that cannot be expressed in words, churned inside me. I managed to survive.

It seems that I left it somewhere. I am reluctant to find it back.

But somehow, ...
I miss talking to you all. I miss sitting down together. I miss the laughter you all brought to me. I miss having fun with you all. I miss spending time with you all. I miss those times when you all came to look for me when facing problems. I miss HTH talks with you all. I miss the encouragements you all gave me. I miss those times when you all tell me you cared. I miss the 100% you all gave me. I miss ...

All these and more, I miss.
I want to find it back. I really want to.
But somehow, I think I should let it go. I think ... But I do not want regrets.
& why, do I still hold on? Someone, guide me.


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 353

Dear Dairy, Sunny.

This week is really mundane. I look forward to nothing.
But the only thing is, my mood fluctuates every now and then.
Everything seemed so superficial.

Substituted.
Literally or physically.
I know I am making assumptions, being sensitive.
Why? Humans. Actions. Conversations.

I starting doubting. I didn't know when and why.
I am skeptical. For now.
The old me. I allowed it to rule over the present.
I think I need to be focus. I need to prioritise.

I believed that by seeing things in a larger perspective, you will see the whole picture. Focusing on one point of the picture is redundant. It is too late when you start to lament over something that cannot be solved anymore. So, I need to keep my mind clear.

I need to learn and accept changes.
I need to be more gracious in my thoughts.
I need to be more acute mental towards people
I need to be less susceptible of attitudes and feelings.
I need to know I do not have rights to control, we are all equal.
I need to learn how to cherish and keep relationship going.
I need to be forgiving.

There is more for me to learn. It is a matter of time.
& this is my blog.


I feel better now.
A period of unrest emotions.


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 352, A letter to AA1'10

Dear dairy, Fine.

My Team, AA1'10 and I

3 years. 2008, 2009 and 2010.
Watching them grow and learn. Seeing them laugh and cry.

Each year with a different storyline. Only you and I will understand.
Mentoring this team for 3 years. My job is done. I feel completed.
I've showed my weakest and strongest side of me to this team.
It is all kept inside me. It is precious indeed. Bonded together.
This is a very short letter. Memories.


Lastly, it is that bond and that love for this team.
& tears trickled down my cheeks.

All the best.



with love,
Mentor; Me

chapter 351

First Aid cum Home Nursing
Competition Camp 2010

East View Secondary School Corps

Hey all. I am back from camp.
It was held on the 15th to 17 march 2010.

As the Camp Commandant of this camp.
Just to say thank you to everyone.

As the mentor of AA team,
Give me your best.


20th March will be the day.
Go for it Competitors. Together as one.
Pride. Honour. Perseverance.
East View.

Chapter 350

Dear Dairy, Fine


I have been real busy this week. And, I am very x 100000ect. angry while working part-time at a Chinese Restaurant, Ruyi.

The fucking restaurant managers seems to have some issues with Iris and I.
Oh, not 3 of them. To be exact, 2. Oh, fuck you. This is for you :)

I worked because I need to kill time not because I am there to see your __________ faces. I work partially because I need the extra allowances, but if, I need to see your _______ faces, I rather not get the extra allowances. And, if I were rich enough, I will throw money into your faces soaked in urine and faeces of every living thing. I will smirked at your ugly faces :D

Accusing me. Ordering me with your authority with no respect. So why should I listen and succumb to you. Fucker. Showing me your unhappy faces will caused me to be even happier because you losers are really losers.

Want to sack me? Yea, I am so-fine-with-it. I am waiting for you to tell me. So I will smile and walk away. Because I do not need to see your fucking drunkard blood shot face. Like causing my eye to swell and irritation to it. And you, do not try to be a hypocrite. Because you do not have the power or looks. Both of you have nothing. Bastards. :D

Lemme tell you, I will not be working in F&B for the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years so on and forth. Esp in this fucked up company, so, do not bother to tell me I am blacklisted, I don't give a damn. Because in the future, my employer (MOH) will be better and much better than now. This fucked up place of yours is just a small fry, I mean, really small fry. As compared to my future career, this job I am working now is nothing. I swear, nothing. This part time job is not my future career neither is my main source of income. So fuck you.

Asking me to have some discipline? Oh, I think you are telling the wrong person. You don't respect me. I don't respect you. We shall play it fair and square. You wanna kill me, I will kill you and it will be double.

What a disgusting name you've got there. Bunny? An old man like you with sucha cute name? I think people around feels disgusted and tried to induce themselves to throw up whenever they can. Anorexics should try calling your name, it will help them to throw up naturally rather than having them doing it themselves :D I had goosebumps when I call upon your name. It is too disgusting. DISGUSTING. KM, you, sucky.

"Why are you so defensive?" Fuck, I am not wrong. So I have the rights to tell you that I don't care what you are going to tell or reprimand me. My conscience is clear. Like a crystal :D :D :D

"Why are you wearing gloves when cleaning up tables?" Why? Because I am a nurse, my hands are dedicated to save lives and take care of patients. Not to clean tables. Get it? I am so glad I said it directly into your face :) I am a champion.

Oh, how I wished you were dead.


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 349

Dear Dairy, Sunny

Oh. A week just gone passed like this.
And you will be away. It is tomorrow.

It is empty. Good bye.


"Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing"


Yours truly,
Me

chapter 348

Sunny.

Today was a fairytale. I walked down the pathway.
I did administration admission exercise at my college.
Then I started thinking. Somethings are left to be unsaid.

What you told me. It was a tad too fast.
When you are away. Your name will not be appearing on my screen.


"We built it up and watched it fall,
like we meant nothing at all."


Yours truly,
Me

Chapter 347

I am lazy. So I have nothing to update.

Done. Goodbye.

chapter 346

I still feel as bad.
But a little better.

Life
This is
This is life.
This is life. This
This is life. This is
This is life. This is life
This is life. This is
This is life.This
This is life.
This is
Life


I cried looking at my friends' photographs.
Most of them had been through ____.
Most of them are in ____.
Lastly, most of them are registering for ____.

I am near but not so near.
Well, I am trying to get over with it.
I-am-trying

Inferior.


I will be going out alone.
The day after, the day after after, the day after after after.
I want some time alone.

I text a person. You maybe.


For SJAB, I need a break.
Apologies.

Give me 2 weeks to adjust.


Au revoir

The road is long, so what?
I will still walk down this road because it is worthwhile.

chapter 345

Today is Doom's Day for me.

Totally unexpected.
Just because of that ONE subject.
ONE SUBJECT

My route of advancement is dash.
Destroyed.
Blown away.

Dilemma.
I cannot think
I cannot
think

Blame me.
I am stupid.
Blame me.
I am stupid.
Blame me.

-.-"

Tears. What else.
I fell harder than before.
The wound is deep and never stop bleeding.
I tried to nurse it.

To: Those who stood by me

I am very grateful.
Thank you.

From: Me

The road is long, so what?
I will still walk down this road cause it is worthwhile.

chapter 344

4th day of 2010. Not too bad for now.


So, I think this space is really useless.
I am lazy. Plain lazy. Plain lazy. Plain lazy.
-.-"


Moving on, I am thinking quite a lot recently.
No, for ytd and today.

Like people whom I've once met.
The things I've once done.
The miracles that had once happened.
So many of it. Which of these are meaningful then?

Maybe 1/infinity.

-.-"

Talking about friends.
Indeed, I have a handful of them.
Well, I do not need a handful but a pinch will do.

Sometimes, I cannot figure them out.
They are too complex. Heavy formulas within.
Sadly, I just throw them aside.



I just wanna thank them.
:)
They have been wonderful.
I S Z M Y H A Xj Xs Xl B



Au revoir

chapter 343, 2010

Hello. 2009 has come to an end.
Let's welcome 2010 :)

Memories of 2009 are left behind.
Reminesince.

It was all beautiful then, back in 2009.

2010. A new year. A new start.

No resolutions.

Maybe a couple.
I do not know.

So, what you peeps wanna know?
Summary of 2009 then.
No, it is quite cliche.

Au revior.